"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
