The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
