Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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