when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
