Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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