Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
