Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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