Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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