im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
