saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
