The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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