i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
