Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
