I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
