Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
