That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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