Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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