Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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