maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
