This dress was meant to end up on your floor
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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