I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
