Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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