is your mom at the bar?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
