You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
