I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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