I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
3 2 1 whiskey
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
