I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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