He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
