My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
