At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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