I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
