with your own penis?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
