and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
