I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
