the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
