You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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