New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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