Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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