on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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