so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
