She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize