I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No subtext here. People are naked.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Randomize
