Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it was like eating out sand paper
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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