I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
