I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
