Tell her she can't have a vagina
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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