mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
