Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
