My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
