I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
