Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
she told me i tasted like america
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
