May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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