I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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