I think I won the penis lottery.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
