Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My nipple is on Facebook.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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