when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i barfeds in our rink
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
