we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
