I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She bit a glass in half.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
