I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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