I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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